“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
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