"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
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