“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
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