“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
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