“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
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