“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.