“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
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