"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
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