“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
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