“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
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