“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
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