“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
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