“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
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