“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
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