“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
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