“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
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