“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
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