"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
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