“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
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