“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
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