“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
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