"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
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