"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
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