"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
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