"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
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