"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
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