"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
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