"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
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