"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
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