“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
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