"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
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