"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
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