"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
"We pay our gym membership for the permission to exercise in the gym, not for the owner(s) of the gym to exercise for us."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana.
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
“Fond of doctors, little health, Fond of lawyers, little wealth.”
Proverb
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
“Half the modern could drugs well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them.”
Unknown
"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"
- Jim Gaffigan.
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with ass****s." - William Gibson
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Toml
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
"When future archaeologists dig up the remains of California, they're going to find all of those gyms, their scary-looking gym equipment, and they're going to assume that we were a culture obsessed with torture."
- Douglas Coupland
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Foxx
"I will never break up with my gym. We just seem to workout."
- Unknown.
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"- Julia Child
“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
"I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. he other two are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves"
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate!"
- Unknown.
"I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises."
- Neil Armstrong.
“It’s a bit unnerving That doctors call what they do practice.”
Unknown
"The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind." - G.K. Chesterton
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
"Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge"- Don Kardong
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
"I am pretty sure that, if you will be quite honest, you will admit that a good rousing sneeze, one that tears open your collar and throws your hair into your eyes, is really one of life's sensational pleasures." - Robert Benchley
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."- Steven Write
"Take the admission to the gym to avoid the admission to the hospital."
- Amit Kalantri
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"- Joan Rivers
"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
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