"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with ass****s." - William Gibson
"I am pretty sure that, if you will be quite honest, you will admit that a good rousing sneeze, one that tears open your collar and throws your hair into your eyes, is really one of life's sensational pleasures." - Robert Benchley
"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate!"
- Unknown.
"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"
- Jim Gaffigan.
"I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. he other two are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves"
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."- Steven Write
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
"Warning... I'm exercising, eating right and watching my alcohol intake... which means I'm sober, I'm cranky and I'm sore, so proceed with caution!"
"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."
- Earl Blumenauer.
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities." - Dr. Seuss
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane." - Philip K. Dick
"Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge"- Don Kardong
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
“Half the modern could drugs well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them.”
Unknown
"I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness." - Aldous Huxley
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
"I go to the gym three days a week. You have to or else - I don't want to be the guy that dies shoveling snow."
- Douglas Coupland
“Anywhere is walking distance if you have got the time.”
Steven Wright
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley
"Men scream and go crazy in the gym. I'm a silent workout partner, but when my adrenaline gets up, I talk trash."
- Fergie
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
"Take the admission to the gym to avoid the admission to the hospital."
- Amit Kalantri
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
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