"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
“The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you are not in shape for it, its too far to walk back.”
Andy Rooney
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
“It’s a bit unnerving That doctors call what they do practice.”
Unknown
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
"My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit."
- Phyllis Dille
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
"When future archaeologists dig up the remains of California, they're going to find all of those gyms, their scary-looking gym equipment, and they're going to assume that we were a culture obsessed with torture."
- Douglas Coupland
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"- Julia Child
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"- Joan Rivers
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West
“It’s bizarre that the [grocery store] produce manager is more important to my children’s health than the pediatrician.”
Unknown
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
“Fond of doctors, little health, Fond of lawyers, little wealth.”
Proverb
"I will never break up with my gym. We just seem to workout."
- Unknown.
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
“Eating words has never given me indigestion.”
Unknown
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane." - Philip K. Dick
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
"Take the admission to the gym to avoid the admission to the hospital."
- Amit Kalantri
"The best abs exercise is five sets of stop eating so much..."
– Lazar Angelov
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
“Half the modern could drugs well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them.”
Unknown
"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.
"When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away."
- Robert M. Hutchins.
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Foxx
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
---
"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield
“I have to excercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."- Marsha Doble.
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."- Steven Write
"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities." - Dr. Seuss
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley
"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter
"If your doctor's last name is Google, it's time to get a second opinion…" - Toni Bernhard, J.D.