"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"Time wounds all heels."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
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