"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
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