"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"Time wounds all heels."
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
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