"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
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