"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
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