"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
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