"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
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