"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"Time wounds all heels."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
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