"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"Time wounds all heels."
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"Bury me next to a straight man."
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