"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
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