"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"Time wounds all heels."
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
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