“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
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