“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
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