“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
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