“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
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