“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
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