“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash
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