“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
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