“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
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