“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
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