“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
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