“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
“A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.”—Orlando Aloysius Battista
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
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