“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
- Groucho Marx.
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
“A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.”—Orlando Aloysius Battista
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
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