"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
"I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often… but I’m well preserved." - Rose Kennedy
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns
"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore
"I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." - Nancy Astor
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." - Truman Capote
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Chili Davis
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
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