"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg
"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." - Truman Capote
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
"I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." - Nancy Astor
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” - Kitty O’Neill Collins
"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
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