"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food, I don’t even know where sandwiches live.”
― Unknown
“I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake.”
― Unknown
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
– Rita Rudner
“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
— Tom Smothers
“Swiss cheese differs from Camembert by better ventilation.”
― Unknown
“Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.”
― Unknown
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
"When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half-eaten sandwich."
— Violet Matters
“When life hands you lemons, give them back. You deserve chocolate.”
― Unknown
"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces."
— Judith Viorst
“Everything goes better with tacos.”
― Rachel Caine
“Every day is National Donut Day if you put your mind to it.”
― Unknown
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
"Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche."
— Lewis Grizzard
“How do I like my eggs? In a cake.”
― Unknown
“Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.”
― Unknown
“The only thing I like better than talking about food is eating.”
— John Walters
"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
– Mitch Hedberg
“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”
― Erma Bombeck
“A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.”
― Unknown
"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."
– J.R.R. Tolkien
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
“Don’t believe everything fortune cookies tell you. Just because they’re sweet doesn’t mean they’re right.”
― Unknown
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
“When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.”
― Unknown
"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
— Jim Davis
"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
“Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.”
― Bill Murray
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
“You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not pizza.”
― Unknown
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
“Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”
― Heather Brewer
“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”
― Unknown
"After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations."
— Oscar Wilde
"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz
“If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.”
― Unknown
“Love and sausage are alike. Can never have enough of either.”
— Trixie Koontz
"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet
"In these difficult times, when so many people are having trouble finding enough to eat, we are extending the “five-second rule” to a full ten seconds."
– Ron Piraro
“I believe it’s a cook’s moral obligation to add more butter given the chance.”
― Michael Ruhlman
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