“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
- Will Rogers
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones