Funny Work Quotes

Bosses and employees won't be able to resist these hilarious work quotes.

Funny Work Quotes

“It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” — Dwight D. Eisenhower
"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.” — Anonymous
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin
“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.​” — Stanley J. Randall
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
“An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” — Niels Bohr
“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so.” – Douglas Adams
“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude McDonald
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller
“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
“A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.” – Fats Domino
“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”- Muhammad Ali
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” — Groucho Marx
“I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.” — Homer Simpson
"Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get."
~ Ray Kroc
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” — Henry Kissenger
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
"An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field."
~ Niels Bohr
“I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend, than be one.” — Clarence Darrow.
“As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.” — Tom Goins
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.​” — Homer Simpson
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen
“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” — John Gotti
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” — Henny Youngman
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” — Joe Girard
“People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.” — Elbert Hubbard
“There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?​” -​Kin Hubbard
"Everybody makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when no one is looking."
~ Anonymous
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
"Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss."
~ Jim Murray
“Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers.” – Proverb 10:26
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” — Bertrand Russell
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
“The taxpayer—that’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.” — Ronald Reagan.
“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” — Dennis Miller
“Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.” – Charlie McCarthy
“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” — Don Herold