“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
Greg Tamblyn
“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
— Winston Churchill
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain
“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends — but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership.”
"Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate." ~ Mark Twain
“I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year.” — Adele Larson, “Home for the Holidays”
"Know your worth, and then make sure to add tax."
“New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time — most, unsolved.”
Johnny Carson
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“Unemployment is capitalism’s way of getting you to plant a garden."
~ Orson Scott Card
“I'm not napping this is savasana.”
- Berndt Vogel
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
“I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.” — Homer Simpson
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
Marc Maron
It's almost Summer! Time to find out what my friends with swimming pools have been up to since last summer...
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”—Melanie White
"I never eat November’s snowflakes, I always wait until December.” – Lucy from television show Peanuts
“When in doubt, yoga it out.” – Unknown
Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
Bernard M. Baruch
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
“A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
— Jennifer Wilson
"Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board."
- Zora Neale Hurston
“The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.”
— Dudley Moore
“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“I thought about losing weight once, but I don’t like losing.”
― Unknown
“If you fall, I’ll be there. Love, Your Mat” -Unknown
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams
"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy
"The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible."
— Jean Kerr
“What Yoga really is… Spending an entire hour trying not to fart.”— Anonymous
On Big Ben. “It’s just a big clock? I don’t understand all the hype with this clock. It is literally just a clock. It’s going to be a digital one in thirty years anyway. ”
— Montgomery Smith
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris