“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous
“Another day, another 13,000 calories.”
— Andy Lassner
“They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.” Joseph Addison.
“It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” — Dwight D. Eisenhower
"I’m so poor I can’t pay attention." ~ Ron Kittle
"Money without brains is always dangerous." ~ Napoleon Hill
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. -- Fred Allen
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
"Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss."
~ Jim Murray
“Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we’d be here every freakin’ day.” — Ed Bernard
"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
Homer Simpson
“It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong.” — Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
"Stupidity is a talent for misconception."
- Edgar Allan Poe
“Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." ~ Herman Wouk
"A hospital is no place to be sick." —Samuel Goldwyn
“I am responsible for what I say but I’m not responsible for what you understand.”
Anonymous
“If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.”
― Unknown
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
"If the hill has its own name, then it's probably a pretty tough hill."
Marty Stern
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain
“Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige
“SMONDAY: The moment when Sunday stops feeling like a Sunday and the anxiety of Monday kicks in.”
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
“If you don’t like how I drive, get off the sidewalk.”