“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”
– Maxwell Maltz
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow.” – Carl Fox (Martin Sheen)Wall Street
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
"Okay, we’re all like 90% happy and 10% sunburnt."
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Toml
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer." ~ Gary Reilly
A weed is a plant that is not only in the wrong place but intends to stay.”
— Sara Stein
"Physically I’m here. Mentally I’m in a pool in Bali ordering my third mojito."
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
~ Douglas Adams
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson
"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway."
― Robert Downey Jr.
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
Polish Proverb
George Burns
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says. He is always convinced that it says what he means. -- George Bernard Shaw
“Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.”
― Unknown
“If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?”
- Will Rogers
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
“Sometimes, being silly with a friend is the best therapy.”
— Unknown
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier
"Summer does mean no school for my children. Hey, who doesn’t deserve a three-month break after a rigorous year of kindergarten?"
– Jim Gaffigan
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
"An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field."
~ Niels Bohr
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind." ~Kay Ingram
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
“What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin” –Mark Twain
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."
- Texas Bix Bender, Don't Throw in the Trowel
“This has been such a Monday! I wish I stayed in bed, and I wish that yesterday had never happened.”
– Lisa Mantchev
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
