"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
