“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
