“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben