“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.