"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart