“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown