"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.