“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
