“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous