“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
