“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman