“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson