“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash