“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet