"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey