"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry