"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
