"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May