"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
