"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld