"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.