"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"Room service? Send up a larger room."