"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."