"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"Time wounds all heels."
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."