"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."