"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"Time wounds all heels."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."