"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"Time wounds all heels."
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."