"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
