"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"Humor is reason gone mad."