"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"Time wounds all heels."
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."