“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.