“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.