“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti