“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
