“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
