“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld