“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash