“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
- Groucho Marx.
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
