“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
“A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.”—Orlando Aloysius Battista
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
- Groucho Marx.
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
