“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
“Saw a chameleon today so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one." - Unknown Author
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.