“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
“Saw a chameleon today so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one." - Unknown Author
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.