“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
- Groucho Marx.
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.