"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
“When it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day.” – Marty Buccella
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
"I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often… but I’m well preserved." - Rose Kennedy
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller
"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns
"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown
"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
"I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." - Nancy Astor
“The first 40 years of life give us the text; the next 30 supply the commentary on it.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope