"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
"I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often… but I’m well preserved." - Rose Kennedy
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
“When it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day.” – Marty Buccella
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Chili Davis
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
"The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for." - Will Rogers
"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner
