"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
"I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." - Nancy Astor
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller
"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
“The first 40 years of life give us the text; the next 30 supply the commentary on it.” – Arthur Schopenhauer