"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
"If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself." - Anonymous
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Chili Davis
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
"I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." - Nancy Astor
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
"I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often… but I’m well preserved." - Rose Kennedy
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde
“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers