“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
"If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself." - Anonymous
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain
"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers
"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland
"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner
"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." - Truman Capote
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball