"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
“Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.”
― Bill Murray
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin
"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
“Love and sausage are alike. Can never have enough of either.”
— Trixie Koontz
“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown
"Americans will eat garbage provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup."
— Henry James
“There’s no “we” in ice cream.”
― Unknown
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
“You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not pizza.”
― Unknown
"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy
“When life hands you lemons, give them back. You deserve chocolate.”
― Unknown
“A party without a cake is really just a meeting.”
― Julia Child
“Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.”
― Unknown
"In these difficult times, when so many people are having trouble finding enough to eat, we are extending the “five-second rule” to a full ten seconds."
– Ron Piraro
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
“The only thing I like better than talking about food is eating.”
— John Walters
“Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you.”
― Bill Murray
“I believe it’s a cook’s moral obligation to add more butter given the chance.”
― Michael Ruhlman
"Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments."
— Bethenny Frankel
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”
― Unknown
“Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.”
― Unknown
“Every day is National Donut Day if you put your mind to it.”
― Unknown
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
"I'll have a double cappuccino, half-caf, non-fat milk, with enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing, but not so much that it would leave a mustache."
— Niles Crane
“How do I like my eggs? In a cake.”
― Unknown
"I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge."
— Unknown
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand
“Being a beaver is nice, if you’re hungry you just eat a piece of your home.”
― Unknown
"When we put vegetables up for the winter, we use jars, but we call it canning. I find that jarring. And uncanny."
– Greg Tamblyn
“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”
― Henny Youngman
“I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.”
― Unknown
"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot
"Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks."
– Marilyn Wann
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
— Jim Davis
"I don't share blame. I don't share credit. And I don't share desserts"
– Beverly Sills
"When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half-eaten sandwich."
— Violet Matters
“If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.”
― Unknown
“Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”
― Heather Brewer
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke