There was an Old Person from Gretna,
Who rushed down the crater of Etna;
When they said, 'Is it hot?'
He replied, 'No, it's not!'
That mendacious Old Person of Gretna.
The slogan of a televangelist
"God will grant you all the money I need."
Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
Doctor: "You look exhausted."
Blond: "I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it."
What is the popular Christmas carol in Desert? Camel ye Faithful.
There was a Young Lady whose bonnet,
Came untied when the birds sate upon it;
But she said: 'I don't care!
All the birds in the air
Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!'
If I’m reading their lips correctly,
my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
You know what they say? Words.
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
I saw you walking by me,
And I fell for you right then.
The sun was shining on your face,
Your hair was blowing in the wind.
But something strange did happen,
A shimmer came across your face.
I blinked and suddenly you were gone,
My heart increased its pace.
I looked around to try and find you,
But alas, you left, you’d gone,
My beautiful reflection,
Washed away inside the pond.
What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”
It's so cold that the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.
A man was once offended
By a pun writing contest he entered
He submitted ten
Sure that one would win
But alas no pun in ten did.
Did you know the first Easter and ther first April Fools Day coincided as well?
The founder of both was a real trickster... He faked his own death!
Why did the turkey cross the road before Thanksgiving?
He was trying to give people the impression that he was a chicken.
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
If I had a nickel for every time I received a nickel, I would have an infinite amount of nickels.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
A man who plays golf to forget about work will soon go to work to forget about golf.
Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her!
“I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.”
Steven Wright
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused,” I’d be thinking “where the heck did all these nickels come from?”
When Chuck Norris goes skydiving
the earth falls toward him.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".
The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "Nice going. The computer is completely screwed now."
There was a Young Lady of Turkey,
Who wept when the weather was murky;
When the day turned out fine,
She ceased to repine,
That capricious Young Lady of Turkey.
What do you call money that grows on trees? Marijuana
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
There was an Old Man of New York, Who murdered himself with a fork;
But nobody cried though he very soon died,-
For that silly Old Man of New York.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws!
"The Attraction of Levitation"
“Oh, dear!” said little Johnny Frost,
“Sleds are such different things!
When down the hill you swiftly coast
You’d think that they had wings;
“But when uphill you slowly climb,
And have to drag your sled,
It feels so heavy that you’d think
‘Twas really made of lead.
“And all because an Englishman,
Sir Isaac Newton named,
Invented gravitation, and
Became unduly famed;
“While if he had reversed his law,
So folks uphill could coast,
It seems to me he would have had
A better claim to boast.
“Then coasting would all pleasure be;
To slide up would be slick!
And dragging sleds downhill would be
An awful easy trick!”
– H. G. Paine
There is a young schoolboy named Mason,
Whose mom cuts his hair with a basin.
When he stands in one place,
With a scarf round his face,
It's a mystery which way he’s facing.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Birthdays suck,
If they're not for you.
Happy birthday!
(Kevin Nishmas)
This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
Why did the chicken run across the road?
To get to the other side faster.
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.
Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.
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