Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
"My Sweet Aunt Mabel"
There is my sweet Aunt Mabel
sitting across the table
ever since her divorce
she eats like a horse
so we put her up in a stable.
– Michael Wise
I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
It’s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.
Roses are red, pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one, I’m not sharing with you.
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
I was playing chess with my son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!"
So we stopped playing chess.
Don't fret because
you're one year older.
But if you need
a caring shoulder
Mine's right here,
So have a cry.
Although I can't
imagine why?
You're aging
gracefully, you know?
And getting wiser
as you go.
Why do they give men Viagra in the old folks home?
To keep them from rolling out of bed.
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me young...
I could buy a lollipop.
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".
The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "Nice going. The computer is completely screwed now."
There was a Young Lady whose bonnet,
Came untied when the birds sate upon it;
But she said: 'I don't care!
All the birds in the air
Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!'
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.
An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks
"Do I come here often?"
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
When I go to donate blood I expect a cup of tea, a biscuit and a polite word of thanks...
...not a whole lot of screaming, my bucket confiscated, and a cop asking me questions.
Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
.
You, me, we
Two souls stuck together, like a piece of meat
You, me, us
My love shines bright for you, like a big yellow bus
You, me, us two
My love for you can be smelled for miles
Like an old stinky shoe
(Anonymous)
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!
I eat my peas with honey.
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny.
But it keeps them on the knife!
Why do blondes wear hooped ear rings. So they have somewhere to put their feet when having se*.
When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic
A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?
Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "
Why did the chicken run across the road?
To get to the other side faster.
What do you call the age of a pilgrim? Pilgrimage.
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
How to spell the potato has tried
Many minds, sometimes mine, I’ll confide.
Though it may have an eye,
There’s no E – don’t ask why!
Not until it’s been baked, boiled or fried.
Why Do News Channels love April Fools Day?
Because it's socially acceptable to do what they already do every day of the year.
Why is it always cold during Christmas? Because its Decemburrrrrrrr.
If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food, I could almost afford a small popcorn.
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?
It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.
"The Theoretic Turtle"
The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”
– Amos R. Wells
Chuck Norris doesn't need to flush the toilet. He simply goes "Boo!" and anything in the bowl promptly rushes away.
What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
When Chuck Norris smokes a joint
the weed gets high of Chuck Norris.
What can never ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?
Thanksgiving breakfast.
I'd rather have Fingers than Toes,
I'd rather have Ears than a Nose.
And as for my Hair,
I'm glad it's all there,
I'll be awfully sad when it goes.
If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
April Fools! I'm not really dead!
My wife said to me, if you don't get off of the computer and help with the housework, she will bash my head on the keyboard.
But I think she's JokiSDGF4s475241GHHHNM,GDSSSDFSDFSDFADGHKLL;/UYRT5555rrTTTTTTEEEECbbbbbbbbII003333454587111,KSDFUJYTFD3u8ol;b ki90l.YJNMLGDSFSDASEDRUKOML'M :][EYRTYB;JIOI#M#KYFU6DCK ;/[]/
Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.
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